Alone
by cartersdaughter
Summary: Just some of Dean's thoughts, mainly about Sam, I jotted down after the season 5 finale. Anything Supernatural not mine.


Dean drove listening to the sound of the rain, the whoosh of the water between the tires and the road, the soft pitter patter of the drops hitting the windshield. The weather mimicked his mood. The radio was silent: no AC/DC, Kansas, Led Zepplin, or Motorhead. The tapes rested in their box on the backseat; Sam's I-Pod tucked in next to them. Tears traced silent tracks down Dean's face.

He took his eyes off the road for a moment to glance at the empty passenger seat next to him. As much as he wanted to he knew he couldn't. There had been too many deals, too many resurrections. He had promised Sam he wouldn't. As much as it hurt him, he had promised, and Dean Winchester didn't break promises. So here he was on an abandoned highway driving to Lisa's, to an apple pie life. _Sam's_ apple pie life. That's what hurt the most. Dean, who had never wanted, never needed normal was getting it. If Lisa took him back he was going to get what Sam wanted most, a family and a home. The tears began to flow more freely. Even though Dean was heading back to his family he felt as though he had lost everything. Cas had gone back to heaven. Bobby wasn't really gone; he was just a phone call away, but Dean couldn't deal with him right now not after everything. He just couldn't. Bobby would want to talk about Sam, and Dean can't. Heck, he can barely think about Sam without bursting into tears. Here he was driving toward what should probably be the happiest moment of his whole life, and he can't seem to stop the tears.

What was the saying? "Love the rain because then no one can tell when you're crying." Well, right now Dean was friggin' ready to marry the rain.

He couldn't believe himself. How had he let Sam do it? He had let his little brother mind wrestle with the devil and jump into a big black hole of nothingness. It was his job to take care of Sam, to protect Sam. He had tried. Dean had driven himself in the Impala to the battlefield. He had told Sammy that he wasn't alone. Dean was there and he wasn't going to leave him.

The last words he had ever said to his little brother, "Sam, It's okay. I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you. I'm not gonna leave you."

Sam from somewhere trapped inside his own body had heard. That had given him the strength he needed. Dean had seen the change in Sam's eyes. Sam had wrestled down the devil and still told Dean It was going to be okay. That was where Dean had failed. This was worse than Stanford, worse than Cold Oak, worse than not realizing Sam was addicted to demon blood, worse than watching Sam detox. Nothing Dean had ever done or not done compared to this.

It was his job to protect Sammy, and what was the last thing his little brother had told him. "It's gonna be okay, Dean. I got him."

As the miles slipped behind him, first from Kansas to South Dakota, then from Bobby's to Lisa's, Dean was sure he was shedding a tear for every mile. Tears for his parents, tears for Ellen and Jo, tears for himself, and most of all tears for Sam. Dean felt as though his world was collapsing in on him like a black hole. The trick was not to look at the empty passenger seat beside him, the I-Pod with no owner, and the duffle in the trunk containing all of Sam's worldly possessions. The trick was to not think.

If he hadn't made that promise to Sam, Dean was sure he would be in the bottom of a liquor or beer bottle right now. Damn, Sam. He knew exactly which buttons to push to make sure Dean didn't lose himself. For all the times Dean had protected Sam, kept him safe, and looked out for him, Sam was the one doing the protecting. Not just of Dean but of the whole world. Now here Dean was headed to live the life Sam was supposed to. The life he had always wanted, the life Dean had always wanted for him. While Dean was going to make the most of it, he was going to keep his promise. He was going to live his apple pie life, and he was going to live every minute of it with Sam in mind. He was going to live it for Sam, as his way of saying thank you, I love you, and I miss you all rolled into one.


End file.
